I would like to introduce you to...

So these are my animals. The one with the fluffy ears is Amber - she is the oldest at a year and 8 months. Silver is the other dachshund - he is a dapple at one year and 3 months, and last but not least the kitten. His name is Copper (yes there is a trend in the names. i wanted them to all get along) he is only 5 months old! Anyways - wanted to introduce you to them.

Work

A horrible place or a place to embrace your interests and use your strengths...Work. Right now I work in an environment that leaves me empty at the end of every day. It is temporary, but not so temporary that I can leave and never come back. It is that kind of permanent temporary-ness that provides income until something better comes along or your life takes a new direction. I have a month left - a month of staring into a computer screen, hurting my eyesight even more than it already is and pretending to work through the hours and hours of absolute boredom. Boredome is good when you are watching tv and sleeping. Boredom is not good for 8 hours out of the day when you must smile and look your best and you are getting paid for what you do, which in my case, A LOT of the time, is nothing. I am not saying I never have anything, because I do, but when I do it is a lot, and it comes in spurts. One minute it is here, the next minute is gone. The trouble is that once I begin on something I do it with efficiency and it doesn't take as long as I would like it to. So I have resorted to not doing stuff now so I can do it later, or only doing part of it now and finishing it another. It is incredible unsatisfying. I am just complaining/venting, so forgive me. However, the point of all this is that if you can do something in your job that you like, that you enjoy and that allows you to eat and live and all of those things, then DO IT!

Life Mottos

Enjoy life! Live it the fullest, Make every moment count! I don't know if anyone realizes it but that is near impossible, or at least extremmely hard to achieve. I look back at my day and I have wasted so much time. On hte other side of things, you can never live every minute to the fullest, perhaps it is just the moments that count that you must make sure you savor. Recently I have decided on a few things that I know make my life so much happier. I cannot have them right now, so where does that leave me? No where except in limbo, knowing what could be, but just NOT having it.

You have to give if you want to receive. Is that true? Is it a generally accepted notion? I would say so, at least from my sphere of perception. So what happens if you are always giving and barely ever receiving? it is probably okay to get fed up, tired and just resentful. Maybe the best people in the world would keep on giving without worrying about themselves, but not me! When it comes to people this is true for me. There is only so much you can deal with, that at some breaking point, it all falls to crap. Sure, it is easier to be lazy and let the other person do all the work, all the worrying, all the planning, all the effort, but COME ON! That leaves you no where, because as hard as it is to put in effort, it will actually leave you feeling better about yourself, because by putting in some effort you made the other person feel good as well. That should make it all worth it, but sure that isn't always the case, it depends on the people. Anyways - my point is that giving is good, but if you don't get anything back from the other person, giving is shit. It is about the same as laying yourself over a puddle so someone can walk on you to not get their feet wet. Giving and receiving go hand in hand, side by side. There is no I will walk in front of you or behind you, lagging. No way. The sad thing is that we don't live in an ideal world, and so shit happens, which means you have to try real hard not to give in to laziness and selfishness. Otherwise your life won't be what it can be. It won't be complete.

Unanswered phone calls

what's a phone for? really?

Parks, missing, pets, selfishness, work, boredom, ice cream

Tonight I went to the Blues on the Green out at Zilker Park. Tons of Austinites lounged out on the lawn listening to soulful beautiful voices with the sunset as a back drop...people had their dogs and it was just a great atmosphere. i missed my dogs - they didn't come. Eric, Beth and I brought a picnic so the dogs would not have been good but still you can still miss them. Speaking of missing, I miss Greg. I miss the blog. I should definitely write more. Shoulda Coulda Woulda... Anyways. It was lovely doing something tonight other than sitting at home reading or watching tv. Lindsay would love it here in Austin - the music, she would love the music. Lindsay if you read this, You should get a dog if you move here. We will be closer then, and maybe then I will actaully see you. I am sorry I never came to visit you. I should be ranked in the top 10 of horrible friends.

I think that I have a bad selfish streak. Is that allowed? When is it allowed if so? Sometimes I catch myself thinking of myself and wanting things to be convenient for me more than someone else.

Today at work I talked to my boss in her office for the first time in more than two months. she told me when my last day was at the job. unfortunately it was much earlier than I had hoped. i had hoped to stay and earn a little more money. the sad thing is when I was talking to her about certain items that Gretchen (who is taking over fully after I leave) will have to do, and I didn't feel like there was enough stuff. The past two months she has been :working" remotely maybe about two weeks total, so needless to say she hasn't been around much. I have been bored. certain times I have been busy, but bored most of the time. i hate being bored when there is nothing I can do - no tv, no book, etc. If for no other reason then to leave my boredom behind, i can't wait to get away from this job.

I learned recently they have ice cream for dogs. One is called Four Paws, however I discovered that it has cancer causing perservatives in it, so disappointing, but discouraging. There is one other type called Dogsters, and I tried to research it and could find a site that would let me search locations. Four Paws is in a grocery store 2 miles away from me. My doxies would love to have ice cream!

I apologize

I want to write. I have so many things to say. The problem is that I can't seem to say them. I am blocked. So I am sorry. I cannot say anything write now about the many thoughts that are swirling through my head.

There is a tide in the affairs of men.

Less than two days away - the BIG moving day. It is amazing how much one person can accumulate in a matter of two years. Seriously amazzing. I have never thought of myself as a packrat, my mom yes, but NOT me. But, now that I have spent the last three or so days packing, I am starting to doubt myself. However, there is hope, because I can come up with a rational and logical use for everything that I keep, whether it has a present use or a future one. I mean really, I am going to be a teacher, and I don't know if you realize this, but teachers dont make very much money. So, in my mind, the things that I have accumulated are for a good reason - I will need them in the near future and I will not be rich enough to buy everything over again.

My excuses aside, packing sucks! If anyone ever said packing was fun, they should just go jump off a cliff, because I am sure they would find that just as stimulating. I cannot wait till it is over with, the packing, the moving and then the unmoving and then the unpacking...What is even worse, is that I might be moving again in 7 months, which isn't that far away. Hopefully I will gain practice this go around and learn best practices for next time! Yes!

My stomach is tied in knots. I dont know if its because I am packing and moving and I dont know how it will turn out, or if its because I am moving into a one bedroom apartment, or if I fear being lonely, or if I don't know what is going to happen to my relationship with Greg, or if I fear stepping over into the abyss of real life, because even though I have one semester left, it isn't a real semester and real life is just around the corner, or if I feel like my parents are abandoning me in a way....It's no wonder my stomach is tied up in knots, it is surprising I can even function. =)

I wish I had a friend near me who I could do fun things with, who liked doing similar fun things with me. It's such a sad state of affairs. There is a tide in the affiars of men -- name the source of that quote!!!! Hah that quote is extremely fitting.

The Right way and the Wrong way

Toilet paper. There is a wrong way and a right way, no way around it. The wrong way is when the paper falls underneath the roll and so when you go to use it, it is hard to get to. The RIGHT way is when the paper falls over the top.

Sharing with others is an essential aspect of our existence.

It feels awful when people you value and care about don't take the time to listen to what you believe in. Sometimes you only become sure of what you believe when you talk to someone you trust about your thoughts.

Living Alone

ALL BY MYSELF...DONT WANNA BE...ALL BY MYSELF...
or so Celine Dion likes to sing it, but she doesn't have to be so negative!

In less than a month I will be living alone. I have never lived alone before, so while I am looking forward to the experience I am scared shitless that I will stalk through my apartment at dusk with my sharpest knife in hand on a mission to discover any bad guys who might be lurking behind the next counter or past the next one wall of my small one bedroom. Good news though!!! My mighty doxies will protect me with their ferocious teeth and mean growls; I am sure never to be harmed.

On a more serious note, it is interesting how living alone is often looked at as a growth opportunity. People say, "You should live alone at least once in your life just so you know you can." WHat is that?? Just so I know I can do what? Defend myself against the loan gunman who stalks my front porch. Just so I can come home and say "Walls I'm home!" What is the point, really! I think living alone is overrated.

However...I will say that I am honestly looking forward to the experience, because I am embracing the idea that it WILL be good for me. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, they say - who is THEY by the way? Who actually says that? Probably the spectators on the edge of the road who watch the head on collision of a civic and a dodge ram.

Living alone could lead to mental disturbances on the otherhand. Sitting on the couch watching American Idol and talking to yourself because you have no one else there and then before you know you are your own best friend. Time passes and you arent even talking out loud anymore, it's all in your head. Good thing I have dogs, HAH!! I can talk to them lol! THat makes it sooo much better doesn't it.

I feel positive about it though. I think I am going to like it. And...I am sooo soo excited!!!

Certainty

Is anything certain in life? If you name something like God, you have to step back and say, well.... If you mention something like love, I will call you insane. Friendship - never certain. What about familial love? No I would have to say, it is not certain. Watch the news enough and you will agree.

Death...looks like it might be the only thing, but for the sake of this blog, we are going to temporarily disregard it after this admission.
Why can't anything be certain? Who knows right?

I find myself in an almost ever present state of worry, anxiety about the "dreaded" future. The what-ifs of life.... What if I am with the wrong guy. What if my parents die too soon. What if I lose the people I care about. What if I don't have any friends that care enough to work to maintain our friendship. What if I die young and never get to do the things in life I couldn't even begin to dream existed. What if my life is filled with so many what-ifs that what I am living now passes me by without me even knowing.

Too bad you can't stop thoughts sometimes. It would be nice.

juxtaposed against a starless sky against the backdrop of spring's new grass. my life, and the silence.

Unfinished Business

Unfinished Business

I am going camping tomorrow. I will let you know how it goes. Wish me luck!

It has been a while I will admit

I am going camping and hiking this weekend, only one night of camping but it is camping nonetheless. The days can't go by slow enough it seems; it is Tuesday only, and I feel as if it should be Friday. But, back to CAMPING!! I think I am most excited about going on this adventure with the dogs, and greg, of course, but the dogs!! They are going to be so distracted by all the forest noises, etc. I have also never built a fire, so suffice it to say, that should be an interesting experience in itself. If the dogs are bad I shall just confine them to the tent and they will have to peer out through the mesh window, scratching pathetically on the nylon fabric. I only hope that the dogs don't poke a hole in the air mattress, because I dread laying on bumpy cold ground. So if you haven't already discovered this for yourself, I am not exactly going to be "roughing" it, but more like a level above roughing it, because an air mattress will be involved. But, I am not going to count my chickens before they hatch, because the air mattress may deflate and my night's sleep will be an event to look back on. This camp ground doesn't know what's coming. And after we leave it won't know what hit them. So if by some chance you are in Austin and camping, and its night time, and you see two neon circular shapes in the distance and low to the ground, you have, coincidentally, arrived at the exact same camp ground as me, because those would be my dogs. I decided I was going to equip them with night gear: neon necklaces. They are dark coated, and I dont want to lose them. =) Look out wilderness (with electric sockets and running water) here we come!!!

Anyone out there?

I am curious...does anyone read what I write? If you happen to read this leave a comment, dont have to leave a name, just wanting to know if I am just writing for myself. Though, that would be fine, it saves paper. =)

It wasn't beautiful but he loved it.

It wasn’t beautiful but he loved his life

He smoked a pack a day to quench his addition
Leaving a smile of yellow stains and an aura of stench
That followed wherever he went.
But he loved it.

He never kept a job worth keeping
Or any girl for that matter.
He couldn’t stay put
But he loved it.

The doctors poking and prodding
His thin frame listless in the bed
The last days of life pained
The way he didn’t say goodbye.

It wasn’t beautiful but I loved him.

Hope

If you are standing in the middle of a parking lot that seems to hold no other life than the mechanical soldiers that go in and out of the stores, and you look down at a crack in the cement to see one beautiful flower springing up towards the sky, you know there has to be a reason to hope, a reason to smile.

Two-headed dachshund

Sitting on the couch today, eating my chicken broth and crackers, quite a delicious meal, I look over at my dogs. Some thing is different I realize. My dog Silver now has two heads, his second head poking out of the area of his stomach. Of course I know that it is my other dog Amber's head, but it is quite the picture. Silver is practically on top of Amber, and she is content to be his pillow, squashed beneath all eleven and half pounds of his body. This is not the only instance of perverse laying, it happens often. More than once I have been looking for the two of them, and I see one on the chair, and then after seaching everywhere - everywhere is merely the small expanse of my apartment. Anyway...it turns out that both dogs were on the chair but they were so contorted as to appear as one dog. Well the point of this was that it is usually very funny, but it must not seem very funny in writing or then again maybe it is just funny to me cause they are my dogs...

Here I go again...

I tried to do a questionaire online the other day that dealt with religion. It asked a series of questions about your beliefs, etc, and then at the end it would pair you with a religion. I, however, did not make it to the end, in my case it was the second question, and if I am being entirely honest, the first question.

I have realized that as a consequence of questioning the Catholic church, as well as other organized religions, everything I have ever believed in has been thrown into question. When I am asked what do you believe happens when a person dies, I can think what I was taught in Catholic school, but since I am not sure about that, what can I say.

How do you know what to believe in regarding particulars about God and faith if you dont have a religion to tell you? What do I base my beliefs in?

As of now I am lost without a religion, and without a religion I don't know where that leaves me. What do I think will happen to me when I die? Is there still a pergatory? etc...

Up to this point I think I have leaned to heavily on the church to give me my beliefs, and now I don't seem to have anything to lean on. I blame this new realization on the questionaire and Mr.Anonymous...

Band-aid For Your Pain

Just a moment
I will cure your pain
Take a seat
Wait an hour or two perhaps
Just a minute…
A bandaid is on its way
Just forever…
I have to heal myself

You don’t have forever…
I don’t either
Where does your wound lie---
Has it festered
Mine is infected
That’s why you must wait
I will cure your pain though
Here, rest your head on my lap, relax
I will fix your life piece by piece
Someday maybe
Probably never
I have been already waiting forever
on the guy next door to cure mine.

In college, and on my way to being on a billboard for the typical college student

I have reached that stereotypical point in my life where I begin to question religion. I guess in a way I should be thankful, because it must be better than blindly accepting. However, I am not so sure.

Does it feel good when you feel lost? no.

It doesnt feel good to doubt something you have always had faith in, or to know God exists but question his purpose in organized religion.

-- Now before i go any further I will say that I do attribute certain characteristics to God as I believe that he exists. Some of these being love, selflessness, forgiveness, caring, understanding...The catch is that these are my own assumptions of God, with some basis in the stories from the bible as well as images that CCE and my parents have shown me. Everyone must have their own ideas about what God is life, what he "should" be like. WIth the different personalities given to God, it makes sense that people would think to worship God in different ways.

That being said, I will be the first to say that I dont know the Catholic religion as well as I should. But being raised Catholic I am attached to the traditions of the church. Yes, I have always had some issues with certain teachings of the Catholic church, but recently i have become overwhelmed with the feeling that the church and other religions make a mockery of the true intent of God. That leaves me feeling lost, on the one hand not wanting to abandon the church of my childhood, but on the other, wanting to be content with my beliefs and following of God.

What do I do at this point? hm...well like in the movies (where my only experience with this lies) I made an appointment to go and see the priest of my church. The end result of the meeting was total disatisfaction and frustration. He didn't help me. I take some of the blame because I went in their feeling lost without a true purpose other than to find guidance. But he really didnt answer my questions and was very matter of fact. This didnt sit well with me because I am driven by my emotions a lot when it comes to my perception of God (as with many other things). And when I left the rectory I felt even more lost than when I walked in.

So where does that leave me? I have been to other Christian churches and I havent been very comfortable in them because I am attached to the traditional ways of the Catholic church. But, isn't there something wrong with other Christian "factions" as well?

Can I have faith without religion? Is that possible? Am I damned to eternity if I am not Catholic or whatnot?

Solution: I could create my own faction of organized religion that fits my needs like everyone else has done and then I will be happy. I will inflict my religion onto everyone else, throwing out threats of damnation to all those who dont follow my teachings, oops, I meant my churches teachings. And of course, my teachings have stemmed from my own individual interpretation of the bible, because if I had formed a committee to decide on my church's teaching, we wouldnt have been able to come to the same interpretation, and that would have led to unrest in my church, and I dont want that.

I apologize if this is a bit negative, but I am lost, I am without a home so to say, and I dont enjoy it. Where do I go from here? Where does anyone who reaches this point in their life go? Sometimes I wish I didnt question. but then i realize that if I didnt question I wouldnt be me, wouldnt be the individual God made me to become.

The life you lead and the one you wish you could if you knew what it was...

There is a slot for everyone; you just have to find a spot that fits you. It isn't surprising that knowing what you want to do and where you want to go with the rest of your life doesnt come easy.

Graduating from high school is one of those moments that leaves you feeling like you're at the edge of a ravine, one foot on air the other on rock, unsure of what is to become of you. In our high schools there is generally no transition for students from school to career.

If you decide not to go to college, you can stay in the job you had in high school, or get another job, but you will probably have a hard time finding one that pays well. With only a high school diploma there arent many opportunities to earn much more than minimum wage. And so if you decide to try for something else (college), you have to apply to college and most likely financial aid. If you want to go to a good college you better hope you have a good gpa or high class ranking.

Say you get to college, if you choose that path, and must pick your major - the pressure. Unless you go to high school with a specific academic concentration, you may know very little about the major you choose. And then as you go along and decide you despise your chosen path, you have to go through all the crap of figuring out what to change to, and then there is applying to a different college unit.

Now, after all of this that you go through, what if you arent happy when it comes down to it. You chose your career, or your concentration, because in some cases, a concentration doesnt coincide with a career. But you arent happy. It isnt what you want to do; you thought so at first, but you have changed and it's not what you expected. Where to now? Back to school? To the drawing board? OR...do you stay in the your chosen path and stay unhappy. It pays the bills or it doesnt but you chose it and you dont want to go back to school or go back to job searching. You live the rest of your life doing something you despise, waking up to an alarm clock that rings in the day of the usual and the mundane. And then at the end of it all, where are you?

Settling for something because you already made it to a certain point or because it pays well doesnt seem to be all it cracked up to be.

When I sit in my desk filing papers, putting binders together, and answering the phone where more times than not I am asked questions I dont have the answer to, which I then have to redirect or search out, I am bored. OUT OF MY MIND. But I get paid. It keeps me coming back. The thing is I could never do this forever. well unless I want to bore myself into an early retirement I cant afford because I am only 25. =)

Shouldnt you find something you enjoy, at least a little bit. THe problem is that it's sometimes hard to find that thing; some never find it. You should never settle. but maybe sometimes you have to, sometimes it is situational, I realize this. But you should certainly try. You have to get something out of life. And if you dont believe in God you better try and get something out of the life you have because you dont think you will have anything afterwards. And if you believe in God, you can still make the most of your life. Wouldn't want to be wasteful now would you??

The unknown is scary. Picking through the slots to find your fit may be "rewarding" but it isnt exactly the first choice, slightly tedious and frustrating. When you find your slot, dont move! well unless you change as some people do as they get older, and you need to find another spot for yourself...is ther an end to the searching, to the discovery? I'm not sure, doesnt seem like it though.

sigh. i need a nap.

Head versus Heart: unrelenting emotions

There is a place I'd like to call home, but unfortunately it isn't possible. I find myself stuck in niche, lost to myself and to others. There is something to be said for knowing, and not nearly as much for the not-knowing. I would like to know at least a little bit.

Do you ever find yourself sitting on your couch contemplating your next move? whats the right decision? But you cant really know what's actually right. is it right for the world, for others? when is it better to follow your heart instead of your head? I seem to always find myself to be ruled by the heart, much to my own dismay. Sitting on the couch cushion, I stare at the phone laying innocently on the coffee table. Against my will, in this case my head's will, I make a call and reach a voice that i have heard many times. With each comment made I hear myself saying what my heart is feeling and at the same time I hear my head saying, STOP! STOP!

Damn, but I cant.

Does that mean my heart is stronger? I wish I didnt value the heart so much that I could just tell it to shut up and listen to my head. Though...I dont think others would find what the head has to say much better. Is it just females that go through this crap that is called the over-employed emotional glands of the heart, symbolizing love and caring? I dont see that they are a great advantage, more like an embarrasing inconvenience to the peacefulness and contentedness of my life.

Dont get me wrong, emotions are great sometimes, I just dont like it when they get away from me, because for the life of me I couldnt stop myself from saying what I want to say. And, funny thing is, that even if I somehow! stop myself, I feel like crap because the result is this unrelieved tension and emotion that then festers and makes me feel worse. Heaven forbid if I dont pick up that stupid phone and call again, just so I can relieve the pent up emotion only to feel even more crappy because I didnt get the response I desired. At this point, without the response I desire, there is no hope WHATsoever for any happiness on my part, because I have stuck myself into a damn corner again.

tell me it doesnt only happen to females!

hm. two slightly negative blogs in a row, i sure am an upbeat person...i will try to do better next time, =) i promise!

Growing up...

In the mad rush of the holidays I was hit with the jolt that I am growing up. As my mom tore her hair out because of the misbehaving oven and my younger brother set out on the "mission possible" - annoying me, I realized that I didn't know how much I could take of it all. Three days, four tops, but after that I would need a break.

In the past year I have come to the realization that loving your parents does not always mean doing what they say. Respect, sure I can handle that, give it freely, but complete obedience, that's a whole other ballpark, one that I will have to honorably excuse myself from thank you very much. I don't think my parents have really come to terms with my decision, lol, but unfornately for them, I am not changing my mind. Don't get me wrong, I love any advice they have for what they think I should do with my life, my friends, etc, but they shouldn't get their hopes up that I will follow that advice.

When does it get to the point where your parents don't really know what is quite right for you? OR when should they stop deciding for you and let you have a go at your own mistakes or, even better, your own successes?!?!

Well, all I know is that I'm not afraid to ask for help, but I'm also not afraid to say I don't need it. The thing is they don't always listen, and sometimes think complete obedience is the way to go...Which leads to the fact that I can only take so much of my lovely family over the holidays. =) I think I've realized Im growing up, but you see...I am also quite scared of this growing up that is occurring. I don't know if I am up to it, but I guess that is a question many face. It is the looming unknown of the future that lies ahead. Unless you are one of those people that have their entire life planned and don't worry at all... But, that sounds a bit on boring side of life, so I guess I must be grateful or end up bored. However, I am also a tad afraid that my life will be boring... ugh.