It wasn’t beautiful but he loved his life
He smoked a pack a day to quench his addition
Leaving a smile of yellow stains and an aura of stench
That followed wherever he went.
But he loved it.
He never kept a job worth keeping
Or any girl for that matter.
He couldn’t stay put
But he loved it.
The doctors poking and prodding
His thin frame listless in the bed
The last days of life pained
The way he didn’t say goodbye.
It wasn’t beautiful but I loved him.
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Hope
If you are standing in the middle of a parking lot that seems to hold no other life than the mechanical soldiers that go in and out of the stores, and you look down at a crack in the cement to see one beautiful flower springing up towards the sky, you know there has to be a reason to hope, a reason to smile.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Two-headed dachshund
Sitting on the couch today, eating my chicken broth and crackers, quite a delicious meal, I look over at my dogs. Some thing is different I realize. My dog Silver now has two heads, his second head poking out of the area of his stomach. Of course I know that it is my other dog Amber's head, but it is quite the picture. Silver is practically on top of Amber, and she is content to be his pillow, squashed beneath all eleven and half pounds of his body. This is not the only instance of perverse laying, it happens often. More than once I have been looking for the two of them, and I see one on the chair, and then after seaching everywhere - everywhere is merely the small expanse of my apartment. Anyway...it turns out that both dogs were on the chair but they were so contorted as to appear as one dog. Well the point of this was that it is usually very funny, but it must not seem very funny in writing or then again maybe it is just funny to me cause they are my dogs...
Monday, January 17, 2005
Here I go again...
I tried to do a questionaire online the other day that dealt with religion. It asked a series of questions about your beliefs, etc, and then at the end it would pair you with a religion. I, however, did not make it to the end, in my case it was the second question, and if I am being entirely honest, the first question.
I have realized that as a consequence of questioning the Catholic church, as well as other organized religions, everything I have ever believed in has been thrown into question. When I am asked what do you believe happens when a person dies, I can think what I was taught in Catholic school, but since I am not sure about that, what can I say.
How do you know what to believe in regarding particulars about God and faith if you dont have a religion to tell you? What do I base my beliefs in?
As of now I am lost without a religion, and without a religion I don't know where that leaves me. What do I think will happen to me when I die? Is there still a pergatory? etc...
Up to this point I think I have leaned to heavily on the church to give me my beliefs, and now I don't seem to have anything to lean on. I blame this new realization on the questionaire and Mr.Anonymous...
I have realized that as a consequence of questioning the Catholic church, as well as other organized religions, everything I have ever believed in has been thrown into question. When I am asked what do you believe happens when a person dies, I can think what I was taught in Catholic school, but since I am not sure about that, what can I say.
How do you know what to believe in regarding particulars about God and faith if you dont have a religion to tell you? What do I base my beliefs in?
As of now I am lost without a religion, and without a religion I don't know where that leaves me. What do I think will happen to me when I die? Is there still a pergatory? etc...
Up to this point I think I have leaned to heavily on the church to give me my beliefs, and now I don't seem to have anything to lean on. I blame this new realization on the questionaire and Mr.Anonymous...
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Band-aid For Your Pain
Just a moment
I will cure your pain
Take a seat
Wait an hour or two perhaps
Just a minute…
A bandaid is on its way
Just forever…
I have to heal myself
You don’t have forever…
I don’t either
Where does your wound lie---
Has it festered
Mine is infected
That’s why you must wait
I will cure your pain though
Here, rest your head on my lap, relax
I will fix your life piece by piece
Someday maybe
Probably never
I have been already waiting forever
on the guy next door to cure mine.
I will cure your pain
Take a seat
Wait an hour or two perhaps
Just a minute…
A bandaid is on its way
Just forever…
I have to heal myself
You don’t have forever…
I don’t either
Where does your wound lie---
Has it festered
Mine is infected
That’s why you must wait
I will cure your pain though
Here, rest your head on my lap, relax
I will fix your life piece by piece
Someday maybe
Probably never
I have been already waiting forever
on the guy next door to cure mine.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
In college, and on my way to being on a billboard for the typical college student
I have reached that stereotypical point in my life where I begin to question religion. I guess in a way I should be thankful, because it must be better than blindly accepting. However, I am not so sure.
Does it feel good when you feel lost? no.
It doesnt feel good to doubt something you have always had faith in, or to know God exists but question his purpose in organized religion.
-- Now before i go any further I will say that I do attribute certain characteristics to God as I believe that he exists. Some of these being love, selflessness, forgiveness, caring, understanding...The catch is that these are my own assumptions of God, with some basis in the stories from the bible as well as images that CCE and my parents have shown me. Everyone must have their own ideas about what God is life, what he "should" be like. WIth the different personalities given to God, it makes sense that people would think to worship God in different ways.
That being said, I will be the first to say that I dont know the Catholic religion as well as I should. But being raised Catholic I am attached to the traditions of the church. Yes, I have always had some issues with certain teachings of the Catholic church, but recently i have become overwhelmed with the feeling that the church and other religions make a mockery of the true intent of God. That leaves me feeling lost, on the one hand not wanting to abandon the church of my childhood, but on the other, wanting to be content with my beliefs and following of God.
What do I do at this point? hm...well like in the movies (where my only experience with this lies) I made an appointment to go and see the priest of my church. The end result of the meeting was total disatisfaction and frustration. He didn't help me. I take some of the blame because I went in their feeling lost without a true purpose other than to find guidance. But he really didnt answer my questions and was very matter of fact. This didnt sit well with me because I am driven by my emotions a lot when it comes to my perception of God (as with many other things). And when I left the rectory I felt even more lost than when I walked in.
So where does that leave me? I have been to other Christian churches and I havent been very comfortable in them because I am attached to the traditional ways of the Catholic church. But, isn't there something wrong with other Christian "factions" as well?
Can I have faith without religion? Is that possible? Am I damned to eternity if I am not Catholic or whatnot?
Solution: I could create my own faction of organized religion that fits my needs like everyone else has done and then I will be happy. I will inflict my religion onto everyone else, throwing out threats of damnation to all those who dont follow my teachings, oops, I meant my churches teachings. And of course, my teachings have stemmed from my own individual interpretation of the bible, because if I had formed a committee to decide on my church's teaching, we wouldnt have been able to come to the same interpretation, and that would have led to unrest in my church, and I dont want that.
I apologize if this is a bit negative, but I am lost, I am without a home so to say, and I dont enjoy it. Where do I go from here? Where does anyone who reaches this point in their life go? Sometimes I wish I didnt question. but then i realize that if I didnt question I wouldnt be me, wouldnt be the individual God made me to become.
Does it feel good when you feel lost? no.
It doesnt feel good to doubt something you have always had faith in, or to know God exists but question his purpose in organized religion.
-- Now before i go any further I will say that I do attribute certain characteristics to God as I believe that he exists. Some of these being love, selflessness, forgiveness, caring, understanding...The catch is that these are my own assumptions of God, with some basis in the stories from the bible as well as images that CCE and my parents have shown me. Everyone must have their own ideas about what God is life, what he "should" be like. WIth the different personalities given to God, it makes sense that people would think to worship God in different ways.
That being said, I will be the first to say that I dont know the Catholic religion as well as I should. But being raised Catholic I am attached to the traditions of the church. Yes, I have always had some issues with certain teachings of the Catholic church, but recently i have become overwhelmed with the feeling that the church and other religions make a mockery of the true intent of God. That leaves me feeling lost, on the one hand not wanting to abandon the church of my childhood, but on the other, wanting to be content with my beliefs and following of God.
What do I do at this point? hm...well like in the movies (where my only experience with this lies) I made an appointment to go and see the priest of my church. The end result of the meeting was total disatisfaction and frustration. He didn't help me. I take some of the blame because I went in their feeling lost without a true purpose other than to find guidance. But he really didnt answer my questions and was very matter of fact. This didnt sit well with me because I am driven by my emotions a lot when it comes to my perception of God (as with many other things). And when I left the rectory I felt even more lost than when I walked in.
So where does that leave me? I have been to other Christian churches and I havent been very comfortable in them because I am attached to the traditional ways of the Catholic church. But, isn't there something wrong with other Christian "factions" as well?
Can I have faith without religion? Is that possible? Am I damned to eternity if I am not Catholic or whatnot?
Solution: I could create my own faction of organized religion that fits my needs like everyone else has done and then I will be happy. I will inflict my religion onto everyone else, throwing out threats of damnation to all those who dont follow my teachings, oops, I meant my churches teachings. And of course, my teachings have stemmed from my own individual interpretation of the bible, because if I had formed a committee to decide on my church's teaching, we wouldnt have been able to come to the same interpretation, and that would have led to unrest in my church, and I dont want that.
I apologize if this is a bit negative, but I am lost, I am without a home so to say, and I dont enjoy it. Where do I go from here? Where does anyone who reaches this point in their life go? Sometimes I wish I didnt question. but then i realize that if I didnt question I wouldnt be me, wouldnt be the individual God made me to become.
Thursday, January 06, 2005
The life you lead and the one you wish you could if you knew what it was...
There is a slot for everyone; you just have to find a spot that fits you. It isn't surprising that knowing what you want to do and where you want to go with the rest of your life doesnt come easy.
Graduating from high school is one of those moments that leaves you feeling like you're at the edge of a ravine, one foot on air the other on rock, unsure of what is to become of you. In our high schools there is generally no transition for students from school to career.
If you decide not to go to college, you can stay in the job you had in high school, or get another job, but you will probably have a hard time finding one that pays well. With only a high school diploma there arent many opportunities to earn much more than minimum wage. And so if you decide to try for something else (college), you have to apply to college and most likely financial aid. If you want to go to a good college you better hope you have a good gpa or high class ranking.
Say you get to college, if you choose that path, and must pick your major - the pressure. Unless you go to high school with a specific academic concentration, you may know very little about the major you choose. And then as you go along and decide you despise your chosen path, you have to go through all the crap of figuring out what to change to, and then there is applying to a different college unit.
Now, after all of this that you go through, what if you arent happy when it comes down to it. You chose your career, or your concentration, because in some cases, a concentration doesnt coincide with a career. But you arent happy. It isnt what you want to do; you thought so at first, but you have changed and it's not what you expected. Where to now? Back to school? To the drawing board? OR...do you stay in the your chosen path and stay unhappy. It pays the bills or it doesnt but you chose it and you dont want to go back to school or go back to job searching. You live the rest of your life doing something you despise, waking up to an alarm clock that rings in the day of the usual and the mundane. And then at the end of it all, where are you?
Settling for something because you already made it to a certain point or because it pays well doesnt seem to be all it cracked up to be.
When I sit in my desk filing papers, putting binders together, and answering the phone where more times than not I am asked questions I dont have the answer to, which I then have to redirect or search out, I am bored. OUT OF MY MIND. But I get paid. It keeps me coming back. The thing is I could never do this forever. well unless I want to bore myself into an early retirement I cant afford because I am only 25. =)
Shouldnt you find something you enjoy, at least a little bit. THe problem is that it's sometimes hard to find that thing; some never find it. You should never settle. but maybe sometimes you have to, sometimes it is situational, I realize this. But you should certainly try. You have to get something out of life. And if you dont believe in God you better try and get something out of the life you have because you dont think you will have anything afterwards. And if you believe in God, you can still make the most of your life. Wouldn't want to be wasteful now would you??
The unknown is scary. Picking through the slots to find your fit may be "rewarding" but it isnt exactly the first choice, slightly tedious and frustrating. When you find your slot, dont move! well unless you change as some people do as they get older, and you need to find another spot for yourself...is ther an end to the searching, to the discovery? I'm not sure, doesnt seem like it though.
sigh. i need a nap.
Graduating from high school is one of those moments that leaves you feeling like you're at the edge of a ravine, one foot on air the other on rock, unsure of what is to become of you. In our high schools there is generally no transition for students from school to career.
If you decide not to go to college, you can stay in the job you had in high school, or get another job, but you will probably have a hard time finding one that pays well. With only a high school diploma there arent many opportunities to earn much more than minimum wage. And so if you decide to try for something else (college), you have to apply to college and most likely financial aid. If you want to go to a good college you better hope you have a good gpa or high class ranking.
Say you get to college, if you choose that path, and must pick your major - the pressure. Unless you go to high school with a specific academic concentration, you may know very little about the major you choose. And then as you go along and decide you despise your chosen path, you have to go through all the crap of figuring out what to change to, and then there is applying to a different college unit.
Now, after all of this that you go through, what if you arent happy when it comes down to it. You chose your career, or your concentration, because in some cases, a concentration doesnt coincide with a career. But you arent happy. It isnt what you want to do; you thought so at first, but you have changed and it's not what you expected. Where to now? Back to school? To the drawing board? OR...do you stay in the your chosen path and stay unhappy. It pays the bills or it doesnt but you chose it and you dont want to go back to school or go back to job searching. You live the rest of your life doing something you despise, waking up to an alarm clock that rings in the day of the usual and the mundane. And then at the end of it all, where are you?
Settling for something because you already made it to a certain point or because it pays well doesnt seem to be all it cracked up to be.
When I sit in my desk filing papers, putting binders together, and answering the phone where more times than not I am asked questions I dont have the answer to, which I then have to redirect or search out, I am bored. OUT OF MY MIND. But I get paid. It keeps me coming back. The thing is I could never do this forever. well unless I want to bore myself into an early retirement I cant afford because I am only 25. =)
Shouldnt you find something you enjoy, at least a little bit. THe problem is that it's sometimes hard to find that thing; some never find it. You should never settle. but maybe sometimes you have to, sometimes it is situational, I realize this. But you should certainly try. You have to get something out of life. And if you dont believe in God you better try and get something out of the life you have because you dont think you will have anything afterwards. And if you believe in God, you can still make the most of your life. Wouldn't want to be wasteful now would you??
The unknown is scary. Picking through the slots to find your fit may be "rewarding" but it isnt exactly the first choice, slightly tedious and frustrating. When you find your slot, dont move! well unless you change as some people do as they get older, and you need to find another spot for yourself...is ther an end to the searching, to the discovery? I'm not sure, doesnt seem like it though.
sigh. i need a nap.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Head versus Heart: unrelenting emotions
There is a place I'd like to call home, but unfortunately it isn't possible. I find myself stuck in niche, lost to myself and to others. There is something to be said for knowing, and not nearly as much for the not-knowing. I would like to know at least a little bit.
Do you ever find yourself sitting on your couch contemplating your next move? whats the right decision? But you cant really know what's actually right. is it right for the world, for others? when is it better to follow your heart instead of your head? I seem to always find myself to be ruled by the heart, much to my own dismay. Sitting on the couch cushion, I stare at the phone laying innocently on the coffee table. Against my will, in this case my head's will, I make a call and reach a voice that i have heard many times. With each comment made I hear myself saying what my heart is feeling and at the same time I hear my head saying, STOP! STOP!
Damn, but I cant.
Does that mean my heart is stronger? I wish I didnt value the heart so much that I could just tell it to shut up and listen to my head. Though...I dont think others would find what the head has to say much better. Is it just females that go through this crap that is called the over-employed emotional glands of the heart, symbolizing love and caring? I dont see that they are a great advantage, more like an embarrasing inconvenience to the peacefulness and contentedness of my life.
Dont get me wrong, emotions are great sometimes, I just dont like it when they get away from me, because for the life of me I couldnt stop myself from saying what I want to say. And, funny thing is, that even if I somehow! stop myself, I feel like crap because the result is this unrelieved tension and emotion that then festers and makes me feel worse. Heaven forbid if I dont pick up that stupid phone and call again, just so I can relieve the pent up emotion only to feel even more crappy because I didnt get the response I desired. At this point, without the response I desire, there is no hope WHATsoever for any happiness on my part, because I have stuck myself into a damn corner again.
tell me it doesnt only happen to females!
hm. two slightly negative blogs in a row, i sure am an upbeat person...i will try to do better next time, =) i promise!
Do you ever find yourself sitting on your couch contemplating your next move? whats the right decision? But you cant really know what's actually right. is it right for the world, for others? when is it better to follow your heart instead of your head? I seem to always find myself to be ruled by the heart, much to my own dismay. Sitting on the couch cushion, I stare at the phone laying innocently on the coffee table. Against my will, in this case my head's will, I make a call and reach a voice that i have heard many times. With each comment made I hear myself saying what my heart is feeling and at the same time I hear my head saying, STOP! STOP!
Damn, but I cant.
Does that mean my heart is stronger? I wish I didnt value the heart so much that I could just tell it to shut up and listen to my head. Though...I dont think others would find what the head has to say much better. Is it just females that go through this crap that is called the over-employed emotional glands of the heart, symbolizing love and caring? I dont see that they are a great advantage, more like an embarrasing inconvenience to the peacefulness and contentedness of my life.
Dont get me wrong, emotions are great sometimes, I just dont like it when they get away from me, because for the life of me I couldnt stop myself from saying what I want to say. And, funny thing is, that even if I somehow! stop myself, I feel like crap because the result is this unrelieved tension and emotion that then festers and makes me feel worse. Heaven forbid if I dont pick up that stupid phone and call again, just so I can relieve the pent up emotion only to feel even more crappy because I didnt get the response I desired. At this point, without the response I desire, there is no hope WHATsoever for any happiness on my part, because I have stuck myself into a damn corner again.
tell me it doesnt only happen to females!
hm. two slightly negative blogs in a row, i sure am an upbeat person...i will try to do better next time, =) i promise!
Growing up...
In the mad rush of the holidays I was hit with the jolt that I am growing up. As my mom tore her hair out because of the misbehaving oven and my younger brother set out on the "mission possible" - annoying me, I realized that I didn't know how much I could take of it all. Three days, four tops, but after that I would need a break.
In the past year I have come to the realization that loving your parents does not always mean doing what they say. Respect, sure I can handle that, give it freely, but complete obedience, that's a whole other ballpark, one that I will have to honorably excuse myself from thank you very much. I don't think my parents have really come to terms with my decision, lol, but unfornately for them, I am not changing my mind. Don't get me wrong, I love any advice they have for what they think I should do with my life, my friends, etc, but they shouldn't get their hopes up that I will follow that advice.
When does it get to the point where your parents don't really know what is quite right for you? OR when should they stop deciding for you and let you have a go at your own mistakes or, even better, your own successes?!?!
Well, all I know is that I'm not afraid to ask for help, but I'm also not afraid to say I don't need it. The thing is they don't always listen, and sometimes think complete obedience is the way to go...Which leads to the fact that I can only take so much of my lovely family over the holidays. =) I think I've realized Im growing up, but you see...I am also quite scared of this growing up that is occurring. I don't know if I am up to it, but I guess that is a question many face. It is the looming unknown of the future that lies ahead. Unless you are one of those people that have their entire life planned and don't worry at all... But, that sounds a bit on boring side of life, so I guess I must be grateful or end up bored. However, I am also a tad afraid that my life will be boring... ugh.
In the past year I have come to the realization that loving your parents does not always mean doing what they say. Respect, sure I can handle that, give it freely, but complete obedience, that's a whole other ballpark, one that I will have to honorably excuse myself from thank you very much. I don't think my parents have really come to terms with my decision, lol, but unfornately for them, I am not changing my mind. Don't get me wrong, I love any advice they have for what they think I should do with my life, my friends, etc, but they shouldn't get their hopes up that I will follow that advice.
When does it get to the point where your parents don't really know what is quite right for you? OR when should they stop deciding for you and let you have a go at your own mistakes or, even better, your own successes?!?!
Well, all I know is that I'm not afraid to ask for help, but I'm also not afraid to say I don't need it. The thing is they don't always listen, and sometimes think complete obedience is the way to go...Which leads to the fact that I can only take so much of my lovely family over the holidays. =) I think I've realized Im growing up, but you see...I am also quite scared of this growing up that is occurring. I don't know if I am up to it, but I guess that is a question many face. It is the looming unknown of the future that lies ahead. Unless you are one of those people that have their entire life planned and don't worry at all... But, that sounds a bit on boring side of life, so I guess I must be grateful or end up bored. However, I am also a tad afraid that my life will be boring... ugh.
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