There is a place I'd like to call home, but unfortunately it isn't possible. I find myself stuck in niche, lost to myself and to others. There is something to be said for knowing, and not nearly as much for the not-knowing. I would like to know at least a little bit.
Do you ever find yourself sitting on your couch contemplating your next move? whats the right decision? But you cant really know what's actually right. is it right for the world, for others? when is it better to follow your heart instead of your head? I seem to always find myself to be ruled by the heart, much to my own dismay. Sitting on the couch cushion, I stare at the phone laying innocently on the coffee table. Against my will, in this case my head's will, I make a call and reach a voice that i have heard many times. With each comment made I hear myself saying what my heart is feeling and at the same time I hear my head saying, STOP! STOP!
Damn, but I cant.
Does that mean my heart is stronger? I wish I didnt value the heart so much that I could just tell it to shut up and listen to my head. Though...I dont think others would find what the head has to say much better. Is it just females that go through this crap that is called the over-employed emotional glands of the heart, symbolizing love and caring? I dont see that they are a great advantage, more like an embarrasing inconvenience to the peacefulness and contentedness of my life.
Dont get me wrong, emotions are great sometimes, I just dont like it when they get away from me, because for the life of me I couldnt stop myself from saying what I want to say. And, funny thing is, that even if I somehow! stop myself, I feel like crap because the result is this unrelieved tension and emotion that then festers and makes me feel worse. Heaven forbid if I dont pick up that stupid phone and call again, just so I can relieve the pent up emotion only to feel even more crappy because I didnt get the response I desired. At this point, without the response I desire, there is no hope WHATsoever for any happiness on my part, because I have stuck myself into a damn corner again.
tell me it doesnt only happen to females!
hm. two slightly negative blogs in a row, i sure am an upbeat person...i will try to do better next time, =) i promise!
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