Wednesday, March 07, 2007
The Predicament
I am in a position that means I must set a good example. Therein lies part of the problem. Many in my profession find themselves out of a job because of what they have let loose on the waves of the internet. With the trend of society: journals like this, facebooks, my spaces', and personalized websites, all splatter the internet with personal information and photos. Am I supposed to hide myself away in the pages of a book or paper copy of a newspaper because I am afraid that something I say or pitcture on a page with offend someone, or make me seem like a bad example? Where does that leave me?? I must censor my language, censor my hobbies, censor my technological interests - all of these things because someone could take it the wrong way. How do I have a life but at the same time safeguard my self against harm?
They taught me to teach, but they didn't teach me this.
All this time I thought we were in it for them,
Because teaching is for them to learn to
Claim their education and make something of the
Dirt that our world has started to become, but
Education, teaching, aren't all that and nothing more, but are
Filled with sticky situations between the
Group of women and men, mostly women, that can't seem to
Internalize that we are all in this together - that
Joining what we know and drawing on the
Knowledge of our own education, our own
Learning, we can become as a collective much
More, not only for our own selves, but for the students who
Need tools to enter the world with, but instead of this
Open discussion to improve learning, we let
Politics pollute the collaboration and our
Quest to educate becomes laborous, leaving us to
Rescue ourselves from our confusion that has
Seeped into the lonely room we teach in.
Team mates cease to be part of a team and everything
U thought was possible becomes difficult.
Values aren't shared and delussions you once had
Will collapse under the consistant
Xerox of undermining and resistance to togetherness.
Years in our career will pass away until
Zero of this matters. Instead, only them - the kids. the reason I am here.
Because teaching is for them to learn to
Claim their education and make something of the
Dirt that our world has started to become, but
Education, teaching, aren't all that and nothing more, but are
Filled with sticky situations between the
Group of women and men, mostly women, that can't seem to
Internalize that we are all in this together - that
Joining what we know and drawing on the
Knowledge of our own education, our own
Learning, we can become as a collective much
More, not only for our own selves, but for the students who
Need tools to enter the world with, but instead of this
Open discussion to improve learning, we let
Politics pollute the collaboration and our
Quest to educate becomes laborous, leaving us to
Rescue ourselves from our confusion that has
Seeped into the lonely room we teach in.
Team mates cease to be part of a team and everything
U thought was possible becomes difficult.
Values aren't shared and delussions you once had
Will collapse under the consistant
Xerox of undermining and resistance to togetherness.
Years in our career will pass away until
Zero of this matters. Instead, only them - the kids. the reason I am here.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
I would like to introduce you to...
So these are my animals. The one with the fluffy ears is Amber - she is the oldest at a year and 8 months. Silver is the other dachshund - he is a dapple at one year and 3 months, and last but not least the kitten. His name is Copper (yes there is a trend in the names. i wanted them to all get along) he is only 5 months old! Anyways - wanted to introduce you to them.
Work
A horrible place or a place to embrace your interests and use your strengths...Work. Right now I work in an environment that leaves me empty at the end of every day. It is temporary, but not so temporary that I can leave and never come back. It is that kind of permanent temporary-ness that provides income until something better comes along or your life takes a new direction. I have a month left - a month of staring into a computer screen, hurting my eyesight even more than it already is and pretending to work through the hours and hours of absolute boredom. Boredome is good when you are watching tv and sleeping. Boredom is not good for 8 hours out of the day when you must smile and look your best and you are getting paid for what you do, which in my case, A LOT of the time, is nothing. I am not saying I never have anything, because I do, but when I do it is a lot, and it comes in spurts. One minute it is here, the next minute is gone. The trouble is that once I begin on something I do it with efficiency and it doesn't take as long as I would like it to. So I have resorted to not doing stuff now so I can do it later, or only doing part of it now and finishing it another. It is incredible unsatisfying. I am just complaining/venting, so forgive me. However, the point of all this is that if you can do something in your job that you like, that you enjoy and that allows you to eat and live and all of those things, then DO IT!
Life Mottos
Enjoy life! Live it the fullest, Make every moment count! I don't know if anyone realizes it but that is near impossible, or at least extremmely hard to achieve. I look back at my day and I have wasted so much time. On hte other side of things, you can never live every minute to the fullest, perhaps it is just the moments that count that you must make sure you savor. Recently I have decided on a few things that I know make my life so much happier. I cannot have them right now, so where does that leave me? No where except in limbo, knowing what could be, but just NOT having it.
You have to give if you want to receive. Is that true? Is it a generally accepted notion? I would say so, at least from my sphere of perception. So what happens if you are always giving and barely ever receiving? it is probably okay to get fed up, tired and just resentful. Maybe the best people in the world would keep on giving without worrying about themselves, but not me! When it comes to people this is true for me. There is only so much you can deal with, that at some breaking point, it all falls to crap. Sure, it is easier to be lazy and let the other person do all the work, all the worrying, all the planning, all the effort, but COME ON! That leaves you no where, because as hard as it is to put in effort, it will actually leave you feeling better about yourself, because by putting in some effort you made the other person feel good as well. That should make it all worth it, but sure that isn't always the case, it depends on the people. Anyways - my point is that giving is good, but if you don't get anything back from the other person, giving is shit. It is about the same as laying yourself over a puddle so someone can walk on you to not get their feet wet. Giving and receiving go hand in hand, side by side. There is no I will walk in front of you or behind you, lagging. No way. The sad thing is that we don't live in an ideal world, and so shit happens, which means you have to try real hard not to give in to laziness and selfishness. Otherwise your life won't be what it can be. It won't be complete.
You have to give if you want to receive. Is that true? Is it a generally accepted notion? I would say so, at least from my sphere of perception. So what happens if you are always giving and barely ever receiving? it is probably okay to get fed up, tired and just resentful. Maybe the best people in the world would keep on giving without worrying about themselves, but not me! When it comes to people this is true for me. There is only so much you can deal with, that at some breaking point, it all falls to crap. Sure, it is easier to be lazy and let the other person do all the work, all the worrying, all the planning, all the effort, but COME ON! That leaves you no where, because as hard as it is to put in effort, it will actually leave you feeling better about yourself, because by putting in some effort you made the other person feel good as well. That should make it all worth it, but sure that isn't always the case, it depends on the people. Anyways - my point is that giving is good, but if you don't get anything back from the other person, giving is shit. It is about the same as laying yourself over a puddle so someone can walk on you to not get their feet wet. Giving and receiving go hand in hand, side by side. There is no I will walk in front of you or behind you, lagging. No way. The sad thing is that we don't live in an ideal world, and so shit happens, which means you have to try real hard not to give in to laziness and selfishness. Otherwise your life won't be what it can be. It won't be complete.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Parks, missing, pets, selfishness, work, boredom, ice cream
Tonight I went to the Blues on the Green out at Zilker Park. Tons of Austinites lounged out on the lawn listening to soulful beautiful voices with the sunset as a back drop...people had their dogs and it was just a great atmosphere. i missed my dogs - they didn't come. Eric, Beth and I brought a picnic so the dogs would not have been good but still you can still miss them. Speaking of missing, I miss Greg. I miss the blog. I should definitely write more. Shoulda Coulda Woulda... Anyways. It was lovely doing something tonight other than sitting at home reading or watching tv. Lindsay would love it here in Austin - the music, she would love the music. Lindsay if you read this, You should get a dog if you move here. We will be closer then, and maybe then I will actaully see you. I am sorry I never came to visit you. I should be ranked in the top 10 of horrible friends.
I think that I have a bad selfish streak. Is that allowed? When is it allowed if so? Sometimes I catch myself thinking of myself and wanting things to be convenient for me more than someone else.
Today at work I talked to my boss in her office for the first time in more than two months. she told me when my last day was at the job. unfortunately it was much earlier than I had hoped. i had hoped to stay and earn a little more money. the sad thing is when I was talking to her about certain items that Gretchen (who is taking over fully after I leave) will have to do, and I didn't feel like there was enough stuff. The past two months she has been :working" remotely maybe about two weeks total, so needless to say she hasn't been around much. I have been bored. certain times I have been busy, but bored most of the time. i hate being bored when there is nothing I can do - no tv, no book, etc. If for no other reason then to leave my boredom behind, i can't wait to get away from this job.
I learned recently they have ice cream for dogs. One is called Four Paws, however I discovered that it has cancer causing perservatives in it, so disappointing, but discouraging. There is one other type called Dogsters, and I tried to research it and could find a site that would let me search locations. Four Paws is in a grocery store 2 miles away from me. My doxies would love to have ice cream!
I think that I have a bad selfish streak. Is that allowed? When is it allowed if so? Sometimes I catch myself thinking of myself and wanting things to be convenient for me more than someone else.
Today at work I talked to my boss in her office for the first time in more than two months. she told me when my last day was at the job. unfortunately it was much earlier than I had hoped. i had hoped to stay and earn a little more money. the sad thing is when I was talking to her about certain items that Gretchen (who is taking over fully after I leave) will have to do, and I didn't feel like there was enough stuff. The past two months she has been :working" remotely maybe about two weeks total, so needless to say she hasn't been around much. I have been bored. certain times I have been busy, but bored most of the time. i hate being bored when there is nothing I can do - no tv, no book, etc. If for no other reason then to leave my boredom behind, i can't wait to get away from this job.
I learned recently they have ice cream for dogs. One is called Four Paws, however I discovered that it has cancer causing perservatives in it, so disappointing, but discouraging. There is one other type called Dogsters, and I tried to research it and could find a site that would let me search locations. Four Paws is in a grocery store 2 miles away from me. My doxies would love to have ice cream!
Sunday, May 22, 2005
I apologize
I want to write. I have so many things to say. The problem is that I can't seem to say them. I am blocked. So I am sorry. I cannot say anything write now about the many thoughts that are swirling through my head.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
There is a tide in the affairs of men.
Less than two days away - the BIG moving day. It is amazing how much one person can accumulate in a matter of two years. Seriously amazzing. I have never thought of myself as a packrat, my mom yes, but NOT me. But, now that I have spent the last three or so days packing, I am starting to doubt myself. However, there is hope, because I can come up with a rational and logical use for everything that I keep, whether it has a present use or a future one. I mean really, I am going to be a teacher, and I don't know if you realize this, but teachers dont make very much money. So, in my mind, the things that I have accumulated are for a good reason - I will need them in the near future and I will not be rich enough to buy everything over again.
My excuses aside, packing sucks! If anyone ever said packing was fun, they should just go jump off a cliff, because I am sure they would find that just as stimulating. I cannot wait till it is over with, the packing, the moving and then the unmoving and then the unpacking...What is even worse, is that I might be moving again in 7 months, which isn't that far away. Hopefully I will gain practice this go around and learn best practices for next time! Yes!
My stomach is tied in knots. I dont know if its because I am packing and moving and I dont know how it will turn out, or if its because I am moving into a one bedroom apartment, or if I fear being lonely, or if I don't know what is going to happen to my relationship with Greg, or if I fear stepping over into the abyss of real life, because even though I have one semester left, it isn't a real semester and real life is just around the corner, or if I feel like my parents are abandoning me in a way....It's no wonder my stomach is tied up in knots, it is surprising I can even function. =)
I wish I had a friend near me who I could do fun things with, who liked doing similar fun things with me. It's such a sad state of affairs. There is a tide in the affiars of men -- name the source of that quote!!!! Hah that quote is extremely fitting.
My excuses aside, packing sucks! If anyone ever said packing was fun, they should just go jump off a cliff, because I am sure they would find that just as stimulating. I cannot wait till it is over with, the packing, the moving and then the unmoving and then the unpacking...What is even worse, is that I might be moving again in 7 months, which isn't that far away. Hopefully I will gain practice this go around and learn best practices for next time! Yes!
My stomach is tied in knots. I dont know if its because I am packing and moving and I dont know how it will turn out, or if its because I am moving into a one bedroom apartment, or if I fear being lonely, or if I don't know what is going to happen to my relationship with Greg, or if I fear stepping over into the abyss of real life, because even though I have one semester left, it isn't a real semester and real life is just around the corner, or if I feel like my parents are abandoning me in a way....It's no wonder my stomach is tied up in knots, it is surprising I can even function. =)
I wish I had a friend near me who I could do fun things with, who liked doing similar fun things with me. It's such a sad state of affairs. There is a tide in the affiars of men -- name the source of that quote!!!! Hah that quote is extremely fitting.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
The Right way and the Wrong way
Toilet paper. There is a wrong way and a right way, no way around it. The wrong way is when the paper falls underneath the roll and so when you go to use it, it is hard to get to. The RIGHT way is when the paper falls over the top.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Sharing with others is an essential aspect of our existence.
It feels awful when people you value and care about don't take the time to listen to what you believe in. Sometimes you only become sure of what you believe when you talk to someone you trust about your thoughts.
Monday, April 18, 2005
Living Alone
ALL BY MYSELF...DONT WANNA BE...ALL BY MYSELF...
or so Celine Dion likes to sing it, but she doesn't have to be so negative!
In less than a month I will be living alone. I have never lived alone before, so while I am looking forward to the experience I am scared shitless that I will stalk through my apartment at dusk with my sharpest knife in hand on a mission to discover any bad guys who might be lurking behind the next counter or past the next one wall of my small one bedroom. Good news though!!! My mighty doxies will protect me with their ferocious teeth and mean growls; I am sure never to be harmed.
On a more serious note, it is interesting how living alone is often looked at as a growth opportunity. People say, "You should live alone at least once in your life just so you know you can." WHat is that?? Just so I know I can do what? Defend myself against the loan gunman who stalks my front porch. Just so I can come home and say "Walls I'm home!" What is the point, really! I think living alone is overrated.
However...I will say that I am honestly looking forward to the experience, because I am embracing the idea that it WILL be good for me. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, they say - who is THEY by the way? Who actually says that? Probably the spectators on the edge of the road who watch the head on collision of a civic and a dodge ram.
Living alone could lead to mental disturbances on the otherhand. Sitting on the couch watching American Idol and talking to yourself because you have no one else there and then before you know you are your own best friend. Time passes and you arent even talking out loud anymore, it's all in your head. Good thing I have dogs, HAH!! I can talk to them lol! THat makes it sooo much better doesn't it.
I feel positive about it though. I think I am going to like it. And...I am sooo soo excited!!!
or so Celine Dion likes to sing it, but she doesn't have to be so negative!
In less than a month I will be living alone. I have never lived alone before, so while I am looking forward to the experience I am scared shitless that I will stalk through my apartment at dusk with my sharpest knife in hand on a mission to discover any bad guys who might be lurking behind the next counter or past the next one wall of my small one bedroom. Good news though!!! My mighty doxies will protect me with their ferocious teeth and mean growls; I am sure never to be harmed.
On a more serious note, it is interesting how living alone is often looked at as a growth opportunity. People say, "You should live alone at least once in your life just so you know you can." WHat is that?? Just so I know I can do what? Defend myself against the loan gunman who stalks my front porch. Just so I can come home and say "Walls I'm home!" What is the point, really! I think living alone is overrated.
However...I will say that I am honestly looking forward to the experience, because I am embracing the idea that it WILL be good for me. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, they say - who is THEY by the way? Who actually says that? Probably the spectators on the edge of the road who watch the head on collision of a civic and a dodge ram.
Living alone could lead to mental disturbances on the otherhand. Sitting on the couch watching American Idol and talking to yourself because you have no one else there and then before you know you are your own best friend. Time passes and you arent even talking out loud anymore, it's all in your head. Good thing I have dogs, HAH!! I can talk to them lol! THat makes it sooo much better doesn't it.
I feel positive about it though. I think I am going to like it. And...I am sooo soo excited!!!
Monday, April 04, 2005
Certainty
Is anything certain in life? If you name something like God, you have to step back and say, well.... If you mention something like love, I will call you insane. Friendship - never certain. What about familial love? No I would have to say, it is not certain. Watch the news enough and you will agree.
Death...looks like it might be the only thing, but for the sake of this blog, we are going to temporarily disregard it after this admission.
Why can't anything be certain? Who knows right?
I find myself in an almost ever present state of worry, anxiety about the "dreaded" future. The what-ifs of life.... What if I am with the wrong guy. What if my parents die too soon. What if I lose the people I care about. What if I don't have any friends that care enough to work to maintain our friendship. What if I die young and never get to do the things in life I couldn't even begin to dream existed. What if my life is filled with so many what-ifs that what I am living now passes me by without me even knowing.
Too bad you can't stop thoughts sometimes. It would be nice.
juxtaposed against a starless sky against the backdrop of spring's new grass. my life, and the silence.
Death...looks like it might be the only thing, but for the sake of this blog, we are going to temporarily disregard it after this admission.
Why can't anything be certain? Who knows right?
I find myself in an almost ever present state of worry, anxiety about the "dreaded" future. The what-ifs of life.... What if I am with the wrong guy. What if my parents die too soon. What if I lose the people I care about. What if I don't have any friends that care enough to work to maintain our friendship. What if I die young and never get to do the things in life I couldn't even begin to dream existed. What if my life is filled with so many what-ifs that what I am living now passes me by without me even knowing.
Too bad you can't stop thoughts sometimes. It would be nice.
juxtaposed against a starless sky against the backdrop of spring's new grass. my life, and the silence.
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
It has been a while I will admit
I am going camping and hiking this weekend, only one night of camping but it is camping nonetheless. The days can't go by slow enough it seems; it is Tuesday only, and I feel as if it should be Friday. But, back to CAMPING!! I think I am most excited about going on this adventure with the dogs, and greg, of course, but the dogs!! They are going to be so distracted by all the forest noises, etc. I have also never built a fire, so suffice it to say, that should be an interesting experience in itself. If the dogs are bad I shall just confine them to the tent and they will have to peer out through the mesh window, scratching pathetically on the nylon fabric. I only hope that the dogs don't poke a hole in the air mattress, because I dread laying on bumpy cold ground. So if you haven't already discovered this for yourself, I am not exactly going to be "roughing" it, but more like a level above roughing it, because an air mattress will be involved. But, I am not going to count my chickens before they hatch, because the air mattress may deflate and my night's sleep will be an event to look back on. This camp ground doesn't know what's coming. And after we leave it won't know what hit them. So if by some chance you are in Austin and camping, and its night time, and you see two neon circular shapes in the distance and low to the ground, you have, coincidentally, arrived at the exact same camp ground as me, because those would be my dogs. I decided I was going to equip them with night gear: neon necklaces. They are dark coated, and I dont want to lose them. =) Look out wilderness (with electric sockets and running water) here we come!!!
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Anyone out there?
I am curious...does anyone read what I write? If you happen to read this leave a comment, dont have to leave a name, just wanting to know if I am just writing for myself. Though, that would be fine, it saves paper. =)
Sunday, January 30, 2005
It wasn't beautiful but he loved it.
It wasn’t beautiful but he loved his life
He smoked a pack a day to quench his addition
Leaving a smile of yellow stains and an aura of stench
That followed wherever he went.
But he loved it.
He never kept a job worth keeping
Or any girl for that matter.
He couldn’t stay put
But he loved it.
The doctors poking and prodding
His thin frame listless in the bed
The last days of life pained
The way he didn’t say goodbye.
It wasn’t beautiful but I loved him.
He smoked a pack a day to quench his addition
Leaving a smile of yellow stains and an aura of stench
That followed wherever he went.
But he loved it.
He never kept a job worth keeping
Or any girl for that matter.
He couldn’t stay put
But he loved it.
The doctors poking and prodding
His thin frame listless in the bed
The last days of life pained
The way he didn’t say goodbye.
It wasn’t beautiful but I loved him.
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Hope
If you are standing in the middle of a parking lot that seems to hold no other life than the mechanical soldiers that go in and out of the stores, and you look down at a crack in the cement to see one beautiful flower springing up towards the sky, you know there has to be a reason to hope, a reason to smile.
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