Tuesday, March 02, 2021
Friday, July 18, 2014
Dear relationships:
Well, hello blog. It has been a while. I believe that you are evidence at my inability to sustain too many relationships at once. I think that I am at a loss. At a loss with myself to be exact. I can maintain and develop some relationships, even new ones, but can't seem to stretch beyond a few. Why is that? I think perhaps...part avoidance, anger, disappointment, fear, stress, overwhelming feelings...who knows. I think there is a definite part of my that still feels like a victim. A survivor but still a victim.
Does this feeling fade with time? Let me just throw that question out into the unidentified expansive universe.
I can't talk but then feel sad that no one listens. See any irony in that? And if I chose to talk, it is like the same thing over and over because it isn't settled, it isn't resolved, it isn't forgotten.
The solution: Time. I hope.
Even now I write without hope that anyone would listen.
Close friends, I can't reach out in real life, but here:
I miss you. But I am scared. I am scared of responsibility. I am scared of remembering. I am scared of not being able to be a friend.
Family, I am scared and tired. I just want to be forgiven and given some leeway. I love you all. very much. i just have a blockage. I don't know why. or maybe I do.
The title of this blog is unfinished business....how appropriate.
Does this feeling fade with time? Let me just throw that question out into the unidentified expansive universe.
I can't talk but then feel sad that no one listens. See any irony in that? And if I chose to talk, it is like the same thing over and over because it isn't settled, it isn't resolved, it isn't forgotten.
The solution: Time. I hope.
Even now I write without hope that anyone would listen.
Close friends, I can't reach out in real life, but here:
I miss you. But I am scared. I am scared of responsibility. I am scared of remembering. I am scared of not being able to be a friend.
Family, I am scared and tired. I just want to be forgiven and given some leeway. I love you all. very much. i just have a blockage. I don't know why. or maybe I do.
The title of this blog is unfinished business....how appropriate.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Anyone out there?
What is the point of this blog? How do people read blogs? I think mine becomes lost in space-web space and then no one can find it. Well probably, no one is looking for it and this lovely blog ends up being just me, writing and reading and wondering if anyone will ever visit...=) Who knows...
The Weiner Dog Terror or Sweet Leyla? Depends on who you ask...
So for the past week and a half I have had the pleasure of taking care of my parent's new puppy: Leyla. Boy was I excited when I first received the news. Little did I know how "wonderful" it would be. Even more, little did Greg know how greatly difficult it would be for him. This cute little weiner dog of bounding energy has terrorized us and enriched us for the last week and a half. To give you an idea of lovely Leyla, who by the way is not potty trained, we are going to have to rent one of those little carpet clearners from HEB. Greg's and my conversations when I walk in the door is,: Audra - it happened seven times today. You can guess what you think that means... Anyways. I am going to miss her when she leaves but OH MY GOSH, I will be so grateful - WAIT- scratch that - Greg will be so thankful to not have to clean up after her all the time.
A month or so back I considered getting a puppy. What was I thinking???? Sigh. Just think - picture bubble appears out of no where: 3 dogs and 2 cats - all in one 2 bedroom apartment. Right - IMPOSSIBLE.
A month or so back I considered getting a puppy. What was I thinking???? Sigh. Just think - picture bubble appears out of no where: 3 dogs and 2 cats - all in one 2 bedroom apartment. Right - IMPOSSIBLE.
Friday, July 04, 2008
Hike into hell
Today is the 4th of July - independence day. In a burst of seeming ingenuity, myself, Greg, and a friend decide to trek out to Pedernales Falls, a drive into oblivion for a day of hiking, hot, and watering holes. Getting out of the apartment late, got us started late. From then on out it was one thing after another, and it was anything from an "independent day." (lol) First off, without printed or recollected directions we drive on and on, only to at one point say (after passing Pedernales river 20 miles back) that we have gone too far. No really! Who would have thought. With the help of the cell phone, a friend at home in their apartment gets us directions - again - the dependence thing...
What I failed to mention thus far is that along with three people, there was three dogs - my two and my parents 5 month old puppy who we are taking care of. Ironically, on day of independence I was anything, I mean Anything! but independent. I was chained, pulled, twisted, half-tripped, driven insane, the list goes on, by these three dogs.
Picture this: Three people walked down a very disappointing hiking path as they hold three extendable leashes that would twist and tangle and trap the three as they walked. Not far into the walk, the dogs give up, literally stop walking and lay themselves down on the hot gravel. Thus the journey only gets better...we have to take turns carrying the dogs to give them breaks. How ridiculous is that!!! It is hilarious thinking back because we had to carry the dogs. Ha ha. They are such wimps - I have turned them into these weaklings that are more like toddlers that dogs that can live in the wild. Sigh, thus I must carry them when needed, coddle them when needed because it is my fault, because they would definitely not survive in the wild. What a sight that would be, the three dogs starving in the wilderness, sitting in the same spot, whining and waiting, thinking I am coming back, food in my arms.
Luckily, the hike is over and it was without a doubt an experience. Though, I have certainly learned a lesson. Can you guess what it is?
What I failed to mention thus far is that along with three people, there was three dogs - my two and my parents 5 month old puppy who we are taking care of. Ironically, on day of independence I was anything, I mean Anything! but independent. I was chained, pulled, twisted, half-tripped, driven insane, the list goes on, by these three dogs.
Picture this: Three people walked down a very disappointing hiking path as they hold three extendable leashes that would twist and tangle and trap the three as they walked. Not far into the walk, the dogs give up, literally stop walking and lay themselves down on the hot gravel. Thus the journey only gets better...we have to take turns carrying the dogs to give them breaks. How ridiculous is that!!! It is hilarious thinking back because we had to carry the dogs. Ha ha. They are such wimps - I have turned them into these weaklings that are more like toddlers that dogs that can live in the wild. Sigh, thus I must carry them when needed, coddle them when needed because it is my fault, because they would definitely not survive in the wild. What a sight that would be, the three dogs starving in the wilderness, sitting in the same spot, whining and waiting, thinking I am coming back, food in my arms.
Luckily, the hike is over and it was without a doubt an experience. Though, I have certainly learned a lesson. Can you guess what it is?
Saturday, June 28, 2008
The neglected blog/the neglected creative self of me
It has been so long since I have even thought of this blog and now that I think of it, I feel as if I have been missing something. Day in and day out: work, eat, tv, sleep and then repeat the pattern all over again. I have not written or done anything creative - instead I have stifled myself. I have only myself to blame. The whole point of this blog is interesting really. I write for me but in the end I hope someone sees it because that gives me a sense of satisfaction. So I guess in reality I don't just crave the sense of creativity but the sense of validation and hope that people like the way I write. I'd like to write one day - the only glitch is, that I like this type of writing where I can write whatever comes to my head about a particular thing or another. That would be a job! I could travel like Carrie in Sex in the City; however I would definitely not been close to being as fashionable seeing as I don't have the fashion guts to branch out, and as seeing that I really don't even have a clue as to my own fashion. Okay I am just getting my feet wet so I will be back in a while.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Nothing
I was listening to music on my drive to San Antonio, and I realized that music can be a dangerous thing. It can make you think about what you might not have thought about otherwise. It sucks you in and spits you out - leaving you to deal with the consequences. Sometimes it's good, but other times, not so much...
Friday, March 23, 2007
Car Troubles Tumble down
People say that bad things happen in 3's. So where does that leave me? Three weeks ago I had to replace my timing belt for the 2nd time! The 2nd time! Cna you believe it? Well then I hit a bunny driving in the pitch black darkness of the never ever known world on the way to Shiner, TX. It was like a scene in the Blitchware project movie that came out a few years ago. And then yesterday, oh YESTERDAY. I have a million leaks in my car which amount in cost to more that my car is worth. Then this morning, a flat tire.
Sigh. I cannot be eloquent or properly expressive.
Sigh. I cannot be eloquent or properly expressive.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
The Predicament
I am in a position that means I must set a good example. Therein lies part of the problem. Many in my profession find themselves out of a job because of what they have let loose on the waves of the internet. With the trend of society: journals like this, facebooks, my spaces', and personalized websites, all splatter the internet with personal information and photos. Am I supposed to hide myself away in the pages of a book or paper copy of a newspaper because I am afraid that something I say or pitcture on a page with offend someone, or make me seem like a bad example? Where does that leave me?? I must censor my language, censor my hobbies, censor my technological interests - all of these things because someone could take it the wrong way. How do I have a life but at the same time safeguard my self against harm?
They taught me to teach, but they didn't teach me this.
All this time I thought we were in it for them,
Because teaching is for them to learn to
Claim their education and make something of the
Dirt that our world has started to become, but
Education, teaching, aren't all that and nothing more, but are
Filled with sticky situations between the
Group of women and men, mostly women, that can't seem to
Internalize that we are all in this together - that
Joining what we know and drawing on the
Knowledge of our own education, our own
Learning, we can become as a collective much
More, not only for our own selves, but for the students who
Need tools to enter the world with, but instead of this
Open discussion to improve learning, we let
Politics pollute the collaboration and our
Quest to educate becomes laborous, leaving us to
Rescue ourselves from our confusion that has
Seeped into the lonely room we teach in.
Team mates cease to be part of a team and everything
U thought was possible becomes difficult.
Values aren't shared and delussions you once had
Will collapse under the consistant
Xerox of undermining and resistance to togetherness.
Years in our career will pass away until
Zero of this matters. Instead, only them - the kids. the reason I am here.
Because teaching is for them to learn to
Claim their education and make something of the
Dirt that our world has started to become, but
Education, teaching, aren't all that and nothing more, but are
Filled with sticky situations between the
Group of women and men, mostly women, that can't seem to
Internalize that we are all in this together - that
Joining what we know and drawing on the
Knowledge of our own education, our own
Learning, we can become as a collective much
More, not only for our own selves, but for the students who
Need tools to enter the world with, but instead of this
Open discussion to improve learning, we let
Politics pollute the collaboration and our
Quest to educate becomes laborous, leaving us to
Rescue ourselves from our confusion that has
Seeped into the lonely room we teach in.
Team mates cease to be part of a team and everything
U thought was possible becomes difficult.
Values aren't shared and delussions you once had
Will collapse under the consistant
Xerox of undermining and resistance to togetherness.
Years in our career will pass away until
Zero of this matters. Instead, only them - the kids. the reason I am here.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
I would like to introduce you to...
So these are my animals. The one with the fluffy ears is Amber - she is the oldest at a year and 8 months. Silver is the other dachshund - he is a dapple at one year and 3 months, and last but not least the kitten. His name is Copper (yes there is a trend in the names. i wanted them to all get along) he is only 5 months old! Anyways - wanted to introduce you to them.
Work
A horrible place or a place to embrace your interests and use your strengths...Work. Right now I work in an environment that leaves me empty at the end of every day. It is temporary, but not so temporary that I can leave and never come back. It is that kind of permanent temporary-ness that provides income until something better comes along or your life takes a new direction. I have a month left - a month of staring into a computer screen, hurting my eyesight even more than it already is and pretending to work through the hours and hours of absolute boredom. Boredome is good when you are watching tv and sleeping. Boredom is not good for 8 hours out of the day when you must smile and look your best and you are getting paid for what you do, which in my case, A LOT of the time, is nothing. I am not saying I never have anything, because I do, but when I do it is a lot, and it comes in spurts. One minute it is here, the next minute is gone. The trouble is that once I begin on something I do it with efficiency and it doesn't take as long as I would like it to. So I have resorted to not doing stuff now so I can do it later, or only doing part of it now and finishing it another. It is incredible unsatisfying. I am just complaining/venting, so forgive me. However, the point of all this is that if you can do something in your job that you like, that you enjoy and that allows you to eat and live and all of those things, then DO IT!
Life Mottos
Enjoy life! Live it the fullest, Make every moment count! I don't know if anyone realizes it but that is near impossible, or at least extremmely hard to achieve. I look back at my day and I have wasted so much time. On hte other side of things, you can never live every minute to the fullest, perhaps it is just the moments that count that you must make sure you savor. Recently I have decided on a few things that I know make my life so much happier. I cannot have them right now, so where does that leave me? No where except in limbo, knowing what could be, but just NOT having it.
You have to give if you want to receive. Is that true? Is it a generally accepted notion? I would say so, at least from my sphere of perception. So what happens if you are always giving and barely ever receiving? it is probably okay to get fed up, tired and just resentful. Maybe the best people in the world would keep on giving without worrying about themselves, but not me! When it comes to people this is true for me. There is only so much you can deal with, that at some breaking point, it all falls to crap. Sure, it is easier to be lazy and let the other person do all the work, all the worrying, all the planning, all the effort, but COME ON! That leaves you no where, because as hard as it is to put in effort, it will actually leave you feeling better about yourself, because by putting in some effort you made the other person feel good as well. That should make it all worth it, but sure that isn't always the case, it depends on the people. Anyways - my point is that giving is good, but if you don't get anything back from the other person, giving is shit. It is about the same as laying yourself over a puddle so someone can walk on you to not get their feet wet. Giving and receiving go hand in hand, side by side. There is no I will walk in front of you or behind you, lagging. No way. The sad thing is that we don't live in an ideal world, and so shit happens, which means you have to try real hard not to give in to laziness and selfishness. Otherwise your life won't be what it can be. It won't be complete.
You have to give if you want to receive. Is that true? Is it a generally accepted notion? I would say so, at least from my sphere of perception. So what happens if you are always giving and barely ever receiving? it is probably okay to get fed up, tired and just resentful. Maybe the best people in the world would keep on giving without worrying about themselves, but not me! When it comes to people this is true for me. There is only so much you can deal with, that at some breaking point, it all falls to crap. Sure, it is easier to be lazy and let the other person do all the work, all the worrying, all the planning, all the effort, but COME ON! That leaves you no where, because as hard as it is to put in effort, it will actually leave you feeling better about yourself, because by putting in some effort you made the other person feel good as well. That should make it all worth it, but sure that isn't always the case, it depends on the people. Anyways - my point is that giving is good, but if you don't get anything back from the other person, giving is shit. It is about the same as laying yourself over a puddle so someone can walk on you to not get their feet wet. Giving and receiving go hand in hand, side by side. There is no I will walk in front of you or behind you, lagging. No way. The sad thing is that we don't live in an ideal world, and so shit happens, which means you have to try real hard not to give in to laziness and selfishness. Otherwise your life won't be what it can be. It won't be complete.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Parks, missing, pets, selfishness, work, boredom, ice cream
Tonight I went to the Blues on the Green out at Zilker Park. Tons of Austinites lounged out on the lawn listening to soulful beautiful voices with the sunset as a back drop...people had their dogs and it was just a great atmosphere. i missed my dogs - they didn't come. Eric, Beth and I brought a picnic so the dogs would not have been good but still you can still miss them. Speaking of missing, I miss Greg. I miss the blog. I should definitely write more. Shoulda Coulda Woulda... Anyways. It was lovely doing something tonight other than sitting at home reading or watching tv. Lindsay would love it here in Austin - the music, she would love the music. Lindsay if you read this, You should get a dog if you move here. We will be closer then, and maybe then I will actaully see you. I am sorry I never came to visit you. I should be ranked in the top 10 of horrible friends.
I think that I have a bad selfish streak. Is that allowed? When is it allowed if so? Sometimes I catch myself thinking of myself and wanting things to be convenient for me more than someone else.
Today at work I talked to my boss in her office for the first time in more than two months. she told me when my last day was at the job. unfortunately it was much earlier than I had hoped. i had hoped to stay and earn a little more money. the sad thing is when I was talking to her about certain items that Gretchen (who is taking over fully after I leave) will have to do, and I didn't feel like there was enough stuff. The past two months she has been :working" remotely maybe about two weeks total, so needless to say she hasn't been around much. I have been bored. certain times I have been busy, but bored most of the time. i hate being bored when there is nothing I can do - no tv, no book, etc. If for no other reason then to leave my boredom behind, i can't wait to get away from this job.
I learned recently they have ice cream for dogs. One is called Four Paws, however I discovered that it has cancer causing perservatives in it, so disappointing, but discouraging. There is one other type called Dogsters, and I tried to research it and could find a site that would let me search locations. Four Paws is in a grocery store 2 miles away from me. My doxies would love to have ice cream!
I think that I have a bad selfish streak. Is that allowed? When is it allowed if so? Sometimes I catch myself thinking of myself and wanting things to be convenient for me more than someone else.
Today at work I talked to my boss in her office for the first time in more than two months. she told me when my last day was at the job. unfortunately it was much earlier than I had hoped. i had hoped to stay and earn a little more money. the sad thing is when I was talking to her about certain items that Gretchen (who is taking over fully after I leave) will have to do, and I didn't feel like there was enough stuff. The past two months she has been :working" remotely maybe about two weeks total, so needless to say she hasn't been around much. I have been bored. certain times I have been busy, but bored most of the time. i hate being bored when there is nothing I can do - no tv, no book, etc. If for no other reason then to leave my boredom behind, i can't wait to get away from this job.
I learned recently they have ice cream for dogs. One is called Four Paws, however I discovered that it has cancer causing perservatives in it, so disappointing, but discouraging. There is one other type called Dogsters, and I tried to research it and could find a site that would let me search locations. Four Paws is in a grocery store 2 miles away from me. My doxies would love to have ice cream!
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